105+ ‘Schitt’s Creek’ Quotes To Make You Feel Part Of The Rose Family


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CBC

Since premiering in 2015, Schitt’s Creek has quickly established itself as one of TV’s funniest comedies. For the past few years, its cast has been entertaining us with funny one-liners as well as exaggerated expressions.

Schitt’s Creek is a lot like the reverse Beverly Hill Billies. So if you’re looking for a comedy that breaks all the rules of what it means to be a nurturing and conventional family, the Roses are the family for you. And don’t let their last name fool you. They’re the furthest thing from sweet. These quotes will have you dying with laughter, and if you haven’t watched the show yet, these oneliners are sure to boost your interest.

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Now that the series is in its final season, we’re dreading saying goodbye to the Roses and their antics. So to turn those tears of sadness into tears of laughter, we’ve compiled a list of 56 iconic Schitt’s Creek quotes we’ve been repeating since we heard ’em. Ew, David!

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Reading: Everything Happens for a Reason Quotes

  1. “I’m trying very hard not to connect with people right now.” — David
  2. “Hide your diamonds, hide your exes, I’m a little bit Alexis!” — Alexis
  3. “Oh, I’d kill for a good coma right now.” — Moira
  4. “Like Beyoncé, I excel as a solo artist.” — David
  5. “If you’re looking for an ass to kiss, it’s mine.” — Roland
  6. “This place is almost charming. Very rustic cottage… I was half expecting early Unabomber.” — Moira Rose
  7. “OK, yeah, no, I did not write this… OK, like, I didn’t even choose this font! It’s horrible.” — Alexis
  8. “What kind of barnyard were you raised in?” — David
  9. “I don’t want to brag, but Us Weekly once described me as ‘up for anything.’” — Alexis
  10. “The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you… a lot.” — David
  11. “I totally get that.” — Alexis on something she totally does not get.
  12. Patrick: “We just need a body.” David: “Then go to the morgue.”
  13. “Well, this town is very screamnastic.” — Johnny
  14. “Very uninterested in that opinion.” — David
  15. “I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole, like, ‘Is she gonna be a princess’ thing… um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just, like, partying too hard.” — Alexis
  16. “Never let the bastards get you down!” — Moira
  17. “You’d think there’d be more of a market for oversized paintings of other people’s families.” — Stevie
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    CBC
  18. “Just remember: no sudden movements, do not reach for the glove box, and no matter what happens, do not tell them your real name.” — Alexis
  19. Moira: “Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?” Roland: “That’s the sonogram of our baby!”
  20. “Is there, like, a Texas Chainsaw movie being filmed out there that I’m not aware of?” — David on Roland’s style
  21. “You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.” — Jocelyn to David
  22. “Why am I getting booed?” — Johnny
  23. “I wasn’t in rehab; I was at rehab, visiting Stavros.” — Alexis
  24. “I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.” — David
  25. “I won’t wear anything with an adhesive backing.” — Moira
  26. “Stop doing that with your face.” — Alexis
  27. “If those bunnies feel exploited even a little bit, I am pulling the plug.” — Ted
  28. “I haven’t bedazzled anything since I was 22.” — David
  29. “I’m incapable of faking sincerity.” — Stevie
  30. “There’s nothing here but hot singles in my area.” — Moira
  31. “But people love extreme vanity… and they love puppies!” — Alexis
  32. “Hashtag. Is that two words?” — Johnny
  33. “You smell very flammable right now.” — David to drunk Stevie
  34. “Do I wear my fringed vest? Or, more importantly, do I wear anything under it?” — Patrick
  35. “We’re drinking to me not becoming an alcoholic.” — Stevie
  36. Alexis: “What’s your favorite season?” Moira: “Awards.”
  37. “You just watch a season of Girls and do the opposite of what they do.” — David on surviving in NYC
  38. “My name is Alexis, and yes, I did not finish high school. Um, it’s this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like a ton of mushrooms.” — Alexis
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    CBC
  39. “I didn’t go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time!” — Alexis
  40. “Are we having a bad day, honey?” — Johnny to Moira
  41. “The internet is a breeding ground for freaks.” — David
  42. “Oh, in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct-taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head and then bringing them down really hard.” — Alexis
  43. David: “I got these at a showroom in Paris.” Stevie: “I got these on a clearance rack at Target.”
  44. “OK, yeah, I still actually had a few more verses. And in the last verse, I really get to showcase my range.” — Alexis
  45. “I don’t know why you didn’t ask me first, David. I have my license in seven different countries and I have my “F” Class.” — Alexis
  46. “You’re not the only one with an online presence.” — Johnny
  47. “Gossip is the devil’s telephone. Best to just hang up.” — Moira
  48. “I have my own holiday tradition. It’s like the 12 Days of Christmas, but it’s one day with 12 bottles of wine.” — Stevie
  49. “I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit, and falling asleep early.” — David
  50. “I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year.” — David
  51. “YouDavid, you know what? You get murdered first for once.” — Alexis
  52. Johnny: “My son is pansexual.” Roland: “I know what that is. That’s umm, that cookware fetish.”
  53. “No matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.” — David
  54. “Fall off a bridge, please.” — David to Alexis
  55. “My car’s worth less than your pants. Well, I’ve seen your car, and that makes sense to me.” — Alexis/David
  56. “You do realize I’m a professional vocalist?” — Moira
  57. “I’m positively bedeviled with meetings et cetera.” — Moira
  58. “I once hosted the non-televised portion of the People’s Choice Awards.” — Moira
  59. “This wine is awful. Get me another glass.” — Moira
  60. “You know, being approachable isn’t that important, anyway. The Queen hasn’t smiled since the ’70s, and her birthdays are still very well attended.” — David
  61. “If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it’s that a mother puts her own mask on first.” — Moira Rose
  62. “I have lost all my skills. And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless like you and your sister.” — Moira
  63. “Just think of them as tiny little roommates whose tiny little poops you get to clean up.” — Alexis
  64. “As if I didn’t see this coming. He’s broken up with me five times already. He never even met me in Rio, like he did the time before. And remember that time when he gave me his ex-wife’s engagement ring? And then there was that time last summer when he left his molly in my glove compartment and then I got arrested.” — Alexis
  65. “Yeah, no. I’m familiar with composting. Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.” — Alexis
  66. “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so I’m pretty sure it’ll be fine.” — Alexis
  67. “Honestly, Twy? “Honestly, Twy?” Although I’m tone deaf, he was a very angry marine. But…” — Alexis
  68. “So this is weird. Today marks the longest relationship I’ve ever voluntarily had with someone. Yeah, the actual longest relationship was a three-month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last two months of that I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.” — Alexis
  69. “I don’t skate through life. I walk through life… in really nice shoes.” — Alexis
  70. “Stop doing that with your face.” — Alexis
  71. “It’s a list of BuzzFeed’s most motivational quotes for girl bosses under thirty.” — Alexis
  72. “My son lives in a barn in the woods, by choice. He could be the next mayor of this town if he wanted it.” — Roland
  73. David: “I never saw myself living with someone.” Alexis: “That makes total sense, considering nobody you dated ever expressed any interest in that.”
  74. “He loves everyone. Women, men, and women can all be loved. I’m his father, and I always wanted his life to be easy. But, you know, just pick one gender, and maybe, maybe everything would’ve been less confusing.” — Johnny
  75. Roland: “Well, you know, Johnny, when it comes to matters of the heart, we can’t tell our kids who to love. Who said that?” Johnny: “You did.”
  76. “I’d really like you to sing at my cousin’s funeral. She’s not dead, but she’s been coughing a lot lately.” — Roland
  77. “Where is bébé’s chamber?” — Moira
  78. “I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think I’m funny and smart and charming.” — Alexis
  79. “How mercurial is life. We all imagine being carried from the ashes by the goddess Artemis, and here I get a balatron from Barnum & Bailey.” — Moira
  80. “What now? What do I do? Do I just leave everything behind and go to an island with the person of my dreams? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy.” — Alexis
  81. “Fear not, she hath risen!” — Moira
  82. “Oh, look at David. Smart enough to get that joke, but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of summer.” — Johnny
  83. “I would be pleased to RSVP as pending.” — Moira
  84. “YouIt might be worth rethinking the nightgown first. There’s a whole Ebenezer Scrooge thing happening. My best to Bob Cratchet.” — David
  85. “Allow me to offer you some advice. Now, take a thousand naked photos of yourself. You may currently think, ‘Oh, I’m too spooky,’ or ‘Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies,’ but believe me: One day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, ‘Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!’” — Moira
  86. “Someone brought room temperature vodka.” — David
  87. “I don’t want this job.” — David
  88. “I like the wine, and not the label.” — David
  89. “OK, well, movies aren’t always right, all right? You’ll learn that later in life.” — David
  90. “I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after the other, consecutively, in a row.” — David
  91. “I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject, and by subject, I mean genuine human emotion, so I am just going to tell you what I know.” — David
  92. “I am suffering romantically right now.” — David
  93. “Funky is a neon t-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop next to a bejeweled iPhone case. This is luxury.” — David
  94. “I’m sorry, but I know what looks correct. And this situation looks incorrect!” — David
  95. “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria was supposed to be performing our ventriloquist act at the Everybody Nose Benefit Juvenile Rhinoplasty, but she suddenly collapsed from exhaustion. I had to be both puppet and puppeteer!” — Moira
  96. “He told me he doesn’t want my help, so I’m just going to play the supportive partner and watch him fail.” — David
  97. “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?” — Alexis
  98. “I’m a delightful half-half situation!” — David
  99. “It’s probably nothing, but I think I’ve killed a man!” — Moira
  100. “She sort of fades into the background after a while. You know, like a smoke alarm.” — David
  101. “Trust me, no one is thinking about you the way that you’re thinking about you.” — Alexis
  102. “I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here.” — David
  103. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use the word courage before outside of criticizing people’s style choices.” — Stevie
  104. “My car is worth less than your pants.” — Stevie
  105. Alexis: “You can trust me.” David: “Can I? Because the last time I left you in charge of something…” Alexis: “OK, if this is about those stupid Tamagotchis.”
  106. “YouYou must be ready for anything that life throws at you. TheThe opportunities will shrink, but the assailments will increase. It will, and you can bet your bottom dollars it will. Yours especially. You’re going to have a huge ass.” — Moira
  107. “I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It’s a new feeling for me, and I don’t find it at all pleasurable.” — Moira
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