70 Funny Parents Quotes that Sum Up Parenting to a Tee

“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.”
“’So I stepped away for like two seconds…’ the beginning of a parenting horror story.”
“I’ve been building my son’s trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I’m going toHit him with a ”˜too slow.’ Welcome to the real world, son.” -Trevor Williams
“One day I will be thankful thatMy child is strong-willed but that will not be today.”

Me: you’re going toIn 5 minutes, you can be in bed.
- Toddler: No. 20 minutes
- Me: Okay. Puts him toHe doesn’t have a concept of time and can get to bed in just 2 minutes.
“They say it takes a village. Where can I find directions? to this village?”
“Before kids: Why are they called ‘throw pillows’? After kids: Oh.” [email protected]

“Do not compare your dog problems toParenting. Your dog can’t say your name 3 427 times a day.”
“A three-year-old is a walking talking middle finger.”
“When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I am really saying is, ‘Please forget’.”
“Before I became a parent, I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s day by asking them to put pants on.”

“Having one child makes you aYou are a parent. Two kids is better than one. a referee.” -David Frost
Instagram Me: Made cupcakes with my kids. I love them so much.
- Me for real: YOU’RE GETTING EGGSHELLS IN THE BATTER JESUS CHRIST LET ME DO IT -Vampire Valerie
“Tweens are like aBox of chocolates. It is impossible to predict which personality you will be. to get.”
“The only thing kids know how to wear out faster than shoes are their parents.”

“’Ugh it’s so hot!’… gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘SPLASH ME AGAIN AND I’LL DONATE ALL YOUR TOYS.’” -Salty Mermaid
“My kids were all having fun and getting along, and that was the greatest 2 1/2 minutes of the entire summer.”

“Wife [on Facebook]The day was spent with the children. It was so much fun!
- Wife [to me]Are you aware of what those little shits did? to me today?”
“We would all love to be Pinterest Moms, but it’s okay if you turn out to be more of an Amazon Prime Mom.”
“Cherish the day you buy your minivan because that will be the last day it is ever clean.”
“Teach your kids toYou spend more time irritating each other than they do having more time to spend annoying you.”
“If you don’t know where your kids are in the house, turn off the WiFi and watch them slowly appear.”
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.”
“Buying your kid a goldfish is aGreat way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours” -Conan O’Brien
“The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.”
“Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.”
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve year’s worth of her love and support. to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.” -William Galvin
“Parenting tip: Wine”

“The hardest part of parenting is being fake mad when they do something that is actually hilarious.”
“Being a mom means developing ‘The Look’”
“I gave you life, you give me all the Reese’s.” Every mom, every Halloween.
“At bedtime, all children become dehydrated philosophers who need a hug.”
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?” -Alyson Hannigan
“The best way toIt is important to keep your children at home to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.” -Dorothy Parker
Tell me, four-year old aHorror story
- Me: I once had a little girl who popped out of my mom and she never stopped asking me questions.
- Why is the four-year-old still alive?

“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.” -Ryan Reynolds
I believe we could really come up w/ this idea. aHere are 1000 hilarious parenting quotes. that? We have children who need us!

“It just occurred toPlease send me thatThe majority of my diet consists of these foods that my kid didn’t finish.” -Carrie Underwood
“I feel very blessed toI am blessed with two healthy, wonderful children. They keep me completely grounded and sane. toAn awards show just as I know to keep it real.” -Reese Witherspoon
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.” -Julia Roberts

Do you have a great parenting quote? Please share your thoughts in the comments thatWe can all have a good time!