70 Funny Parents Quotes that Sum Up Parenting to a Tee

  • “It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.”
  • “’So I stepped away for like two seconds…’ the beginning of a parenting horror story.”
  • “I’ve been building my son’s trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I’m going toHit him with a ”˜too slow.’ Welcome to the real world, son.” -Trevor Williams
  • “One day I will be thankful thatMy child is strong-willed but that will not be today.”
  • Me: you’re going toIn 5 minutes, you can be in bed.
    • Toddler: No. 20 minutes
    • Me: Okay. Puts him toHe doesn’t have a concept of time and can get to bed in just 2 minutes.
  • “They say it takes a village. Where can I find directions? to this village?”
  • “Before kids: Why are they called ‘throw pillows’? After kids: Oh.” [email protected]
  • “Do not compare your dog problems toParenting. Your dog can’t say your name 3 427 times a day.”
  • “A three-year-old is a walking talking middle finger.”
  • “When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I am really saying is, ‘Please forget’.”
  • “Before I became a parent, I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s day by asking them to put pants on.”

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Parenting Quotes About Raising Kids & Teens

  • “Having one child makes you aYou are a parent. Two kids is better than one. a referee.” -David Frost
  • Instagram Me: Made cupcakes with my kids. I love them so much.
    • Me for real: YOU’RE GETTING EGGSHELLS IN THE BATTER JESUS CHRIST LET ME DO IT -Vampire Valerie
  • “Tweens are like aBox of chocolates. It is impossible to predict which personality you will be. to get.”
  • “The only thing kids know how to wear out faster than shoes are their parents.”
  • “’Ugh it’s so hot!’… gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘SPLASH ME AGAIN AND I’LL DONATE ALL YOUR TOYS.’” -Salty Mermaid
  • “My kids were all having fun and getting along, and that was the greatest 2 1/2 minutes of the entire summer.”
  • “Wife [on Facebook]The day was spent with the children. It was so much fun!
    • Wife [to me]Are you aware of what those little shits did? to me today?”
  • “We would all love to be Pinterest Moms, but it’s okay if you turn out to be more of an Amazon Prime Mom.”

  • “Cherish the day you buy your minivan because that will be the last day it is ever clean.”
  • “Teach your kids toYou spend more time irritating each other than they do having more time to spend annoying you.”
  • “If you don’t know where your kids are in the house, turn off the WiFi and watch them slowly appear.”
  • “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.”
  • “Buying your kid a goldfish is aGreat way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours” -Conan O’Brien
  • “The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.”
  • “Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.”

  • “Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve year’s worth of her love and support. to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.” -William Galvin
  • “Parenting tip: Wine”
  • “The hardest part of parenting is being fake mad when they do something that is actually hilarious.”
  • “Being a mom means developing ‘The Look’”
  • “I gave you life, you give me all the Reese’s.” Every mom, every Halloween.
  • “At bedtime, all children become dehydrated philosophers who need a hug.”
  • “The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”

  • “Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?” -Alyson Hannigan
  • “The best way toIt is important to keep your children at home to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.” -Dorothy Parker
  • Tell me, four-year old aHorror story
    • Me: I once had a little girl who popped out of my mom and she never stopped asking me questions.
    • Why is the four-year-old still alive?
See also  101 Theater Quotes For Budding Young Dramatists

Celebrities Quotes

  • “Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.” -Ryan Reynolds
  • I believe we could really come up w/ this idea. aHere are 1000 hilarious parenting quotes. that? We have children who need us!
  • “It just occurred toPlease send me thatThe majority of my diet consists of these foods that my kid didn’t finish.” -Carrie Underwood
  • “I feel very blessed toI am blessed with two healthy, wonderful children. They keep me completely grounded and sane. toAn awards show just as I know to keep it real.” -Reese Witherspoon
  • “Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.” -Julia Roberts

Do you have a great parenting quote? Please share your thoughts in the comments thatWe can all have a good time!

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