49 of the funniest Monty Python quotes

The work ofThe legendary comedy troupe Monty PythonFans have been enjoying its surreal humor for almost 50 years. There are new reasons to celebrate the group’s legacy.

Next week marks the 35th anniversary of The Meaning Of Life, a bizarre song-filled movie. Netflix has added a whole lot more. ofFilms and TV from theEnsemble in April

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These are just a few examples. of Palin, Chapman, Idle, Jones, Cleese and Gilliam’s finest (and funniest() Jokes quotesEnjoy.

From Monty Python theHoly Grail

“Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.”

Bedevere: “What makes you think she is a witch?” Peasant: “She turned me into a newt.” Bedevere: “A newt?” Peasant: “Well I got better.”

“I am an enchanter. There are some who call me…Tim.”

Black Knight: “Tis but a scratch.” King Arthur: “A scratch? Your arm’s off!”

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King Arthur: “Look, you stupid b***ard, you’ve got no arms left!” Black Knight: “Yes I have.” King Arthur: “Look!” Black Knight: “It’s just a flesh wound…”

Black Knight: “Right, I’ll do you for that!” King Arthur: “You’ll what?” Black Knight: “Come here!” King Arthur: “What are you gonna do, bleed on me?”

[French soldier to Arthur]: “I fart in your general direction. Your father smelled like a hamster, and your mother was a hamster. of elderberries…”

[Knights who say Ni to Arthur] “You must cut down theThe most beautiful tree in the world the forest with…a herring!”

“What sad times are these when passing ruffians can say ‘Ni’ at will to old ladies.”

“Come and see theInherent violence thesystem. Help! Help! I’m being repressed!”

“Who’s that then?” “I dunno, must be a king.” “Why?” “He hasn’t got sh** all over him.”

“We’ll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit’s dynamite.”

“Brother Maynard – bring forth the holy hand grenade!”

“You only killed the bride’s father, you know.” “I didn’t mean to.” “Didn’t mean to? You put your sword right through his head.” “Oh dear… is he all right?”

“Please. This is supposed be a joyful occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue over who killed who…”

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[‘Brave’ Sir Robin] “I’ve soiled my armour!”

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[Robin’s minstrel, singing]: “Brave Sir Robin ran away. Bravely, he ran away. When danger reared it’s ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. Brave Sir Robin turned about and gallantly he chickened out…”

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“One day, lad, all this will be yours.” “What, the curtains?”

Bridgekeeper: “Stop. Bridgekeeper: “Stop. theBridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ‘ere the other side he see.” Sir Lancelot: “Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.” Bridgekeeper: “What… is your name?” Sir Lancelot: “My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.” Bridgekeeper: “What… is your quest?” Sir Lancelot: “To seek theHoly Grail” Bridgekeeper: “What… is your favourite colour?” Sir Lancelot: “Blue.” Bridgekeeper: “Right. Off you go.”

Bridgekeeper: “What… is your name?” King Arthur: “It is Arthur – King of the Britons.” Bridgekeeper: “What… is your quest?” King Arthur: “To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper: “What… is theAirspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?” King Arthur: “What do you mean? An African or a European swallow?” Bridgekeeper: “I don’t know that. Aaaaaaaaagh!”

“On second thoughts, let us not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.”

From the Life ofBrian

“He’s not the Messiah – he’s a very naughty boy.”

“Look, I don’t think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying ‘Jehovah’.” “You’re only making it worse for yourself!”

“Alright, but apart from theHygiene theMedicine, education, wine and irrigation. thefresh-water system and public health the Romans ever done for us?”

“What did he say?” “I think it was, ‘blessed are the cheesemakers’.”

“Excuse me. Are you the Judean People’s Front?” “F*** off! ‘Judean People’s Front’?. We’re the People’s Front ofJudea!’”

“Did you say ‘ex-leper’?” “That’s right, sir. 16 years behind a veil, proud of it, sir.”

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“What’s this then?” “It says ‘Romans go home’.” “No it doesn’t. What’s Latin for ‘Roman’?”

“Look, you’ve got it all wrong. You don’t need to follow me. You don’t need to follow anybody. You’ve got to think for yourselves. You’re all individuals.” “YES. WE’RE ALL INDIVIDUALS.”

“We are three wise men.” “Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o’clock in theGood morning! That doesn’t sound very wise to me.”

“I am not the Messiah!” “I say you are, and I should know. I’ve followed a few.”

“Crucifixion?” “Ah, no. Freedom. They said I hadn’t done anything, so I can go free and live on an island somewhere.” “Oh, that´s jolly good. Well, off you go then.” “Nah, I’m only pulling your leg, it’s crucifixion really!”

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From the Meaning ofLife

“Is it a boy or a girl?” “I think it’s a bit early to start imposing roles on it, don’t you?”

“The mill’s closed. There’s no more work. We’re destitute. I’ve got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments.”

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“Ah, I see you have the machine that goes ‘ping!’. This is my favorite. It’s a lease that we get back. thecompany to which we sold it – this is where it will go under theCurrent monthly budget and not the capital account.”

[singing] “Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate!”

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“During thePerkins got his leg bit by night old Perkins of… off.” “There’s a lot of it about — probably a virus. Keep warm. of rest, and if you’re playing any football try and favour the other leg.”

[singing] “Just remember that your standing on a planet that’s evolving, revolving at nine-hundred miles an hour. It’s orbiting at ninety miles a second, so it’s reckoned. It is the sun the source of all our power…”

“It’s only a wafer-thin mint, sir…”

From theFlying Circus TV Show

“This parrot is no more! It is no more! It’s expired and gone to meet its maker! It’s a late parrot! It’s a stiff! You are left behind ofLife is peaceful. If you hadn’t nailed it to theIt would push up, perch the daisies! It’s run down theCurtain and joined the choir invisible! This is an ex-parrot!”

“This morning, shortly after 11am, comedy struck this little house on Dibley Road. Sudden, violent comedy.”

[Disapproving coal miner son to his playwright dad] “Look what you’ve done to mother. She’s worn out from meeting film stars, attending premieres, and giving gala luncheons.” Dad: “There’s nowt wrong with gala lunches lad. I’ve had more gala luncheons than you’ve had hot dinners.”

[The Lumberjack Song] “I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to thelavatory. On Wednesdays I go shopping, and have buttered scones for tea.”

“Have you got anything without spam?” “Well, spam, egg, sausage, and spam – that’s not got much spam in it.”

“The BBC wishes to deny rumours that it is going into liquidation. Kelly, Mrs Kelly. theThey can remain in the flat they have been living in until they die. theEnd of the month.”

“Good evening. Tonight on ‘Is There?’ we examine the question, ‘Is there a life after death?’ And here to discuss it are three dead people.”

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“Nobody expects theSpanish Inquisition Our main weapon is surprise! Surprising and fear. Fear and surprise. Fear and surprise are our two weapons – along with ruthless efficiency. Our three weapons include fear, surprise, ruthless effectiveness, and almost fanatical devotion. thePope. Our four, no, among our weapons are such elements as fear, surpr- I’ll come in again.”

Also, the live shows of The Four Yorkshiremen – The Four Yorkshiremen sketch.

“House? A house was an amazing blessing. One room was all we had. of us, no furniture. Half theFloor was missing, we all huddled in one corner to fear. of falling.”

“You were lucky to have a room. We used to have to live in a corridor.” “Oh we used to dream of livin’ in a corridor! Woulda’ been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank at the bottom of a garbage tip. We were able to wake up every morning with a load of rotting fish dumped all over us.”

Monty Python- Four Yorkshire Men

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